Saturday, 12 November 2011

Just say NO!

Up until my cousin got married in 2006, I hadn't been to many weddings and I certainly hadn't been an important part of them. My cousin and his wife to be, asked me to do a reading. It was the only one in the short ceremony. It was a poem.

They gave me the poem a few weeks before the wedding. The only problem was, that the poem was talking about...well.... having sex. I definitely don't have any problem with talking about sex, partaking in sex, watching sex, anything about sex really, but when it comes to my cousin and his wife to be, I felt a little perturbed.

I visualise most things. It's how I learn. I am a visual learner. Being able to visualise things is fantastic, when applied correctly...
Please Johnny, go faster...
Driving an Aston Martin db9.
Laying on the beach in some far off hot sunny country.
Johnny Depp... ermmmm....popping round for tea... (or something similar).
Being on stage in front of millions of adoring fans because I AM the coolest, most talented chick in the music industry.

I struggled with the images of my own, cuddly, lovely, caring cousin, fucking his wife to be... and to add to this, the poem contained words such as 'breast' in it. Which again, I usually have no issue with.

Apparently, the best breasts in

I like breasts. I have two of them. They are my best assets. I like other breasts that don't belong to me. I often look at the breasts that don't belong to me. I dream about having perfect breasts. About those belonging to Jessica Simpson. But I didn't want to be thinking about any of this when reading the poem on my cousins wedding day.... mainly because I know that I would indeed look at the breasts of my cousins wife to be. Slightly inappropriate on their wedding day standing in front of an audience.

I rather stupidly discussed my issues with my other younger cousin and sister. They found this highly amusing and laughed every time I read the word 'breast'. This was not good. How very fucking mature of them.

I did, however, stand up on the day, look defiantly at the registrar (her breasts were not on display) rather than either the bride or groom, or any of the other 60 guests sitting staring at me and read the poem. I sat down sweating an unusual amount and swore to myself that I would NEVER, EVER be an important part of another wedding.

So that lasted all of one year. I was asked to be a bridesmaid AND do another reading. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. How can I say no. I really really did not want to do either.

Now, I want you all to imagine the worst possible thing that could happen to you as a bridesmaid.

Are you thinking about it....???

The last thing I remember being told, as I was linking arms with the other bridesmaid, was 'mind the little step down into the room'. Blah, blah, blah....

Oh, how I wished I HAD minded the little fucking step down into the fucking great big room full of fucking people looking at the bridal party.

With a little noise, which I can only describe as a cross between a monkey's mating call and a peacock, (seriously) I fell down that little bloody step, and landed on all fours... in the aisle, behind the bride, and nearly took the other bridesmaid with me. She obviously managed to stay on her feet (what a BITCH).

EVERYONE, and I mean ALL 100 guests, the registrar, the bride, and all the fucking hotel staff, turned and looked at me.

If you have ever wanted to die, that would have been a perfect time.

I then did what any other IDIOT FUCKING BRIDESMAID would do, which is stand up, thank everyone, wave a little, tell them I was ok, then proceed to laugh uncontrollably for the entire ceremony. I wasn't alone with uncontrollable laughter, this applied to most of the guests and the bride and groom.

You would have thought that would have been more than enough, but no. I then had to stand up half way through the ceremony and come face to face with all those people that had just witnessed me acting like a drunken baboon on nitrous oxide. I had to do the reading...

My opening line was 'now let's hope this reading goes somewhat differently from my walk up the aisle.'

It was a great recovery from utter despair. Everyone loved me! Now, that's how you up stage a bride on her wedding day!

More wine please
So, my rule of thumb is to NEVER, EVER agree to be part of any wedding ever, under any circumstances.

I'm not good with weddings unless I am a drunken guest with no responsibility at all. I like this.

By the way, the bride and groom actually thanked me for my 'display'. They said it helped to break the ice and it was the best thing that could have happened, as it was all a bit tense before that.

I am inclined not to believe them or to agree with it being 'the best thing that could have happened'.

And NO... no one caught it on video or camera. Not even the two cocky, male professional photographers, that started to fuck me right off. There was no You Tube'ing of me at all.



  1. I laughed. I'd like to think you were at least smiling when you wrote this so I could say something like 'with you, not at you'. Yes?

    No really, that morning chuckle.. it's hard to get out of me. Thank you!

  2. Indeed the best breasts!

  3. When I was 14 and right in the middle of trying-to-be-cool I had to be my cousins bridesmaid. The dress was a vile frilly blue thing (she made it) and I had to have my very trendy ziggy stardust hair dyed back 'normal' and what I can best describe as 'poofed up' for the day.
    None of my friends are invited.
    But the bastards found out what church it was at and were waiting outside as we left.

  4. I want to hear the poem from your cousin's wedding.

  5. That's pretty cruel of them to ask you to read that poem in the first place Miss Teacher! Seems like good advice to always refuse to have any active role in the wedding procedure, I'll keep it in mind!

  6. That's so horrible :( the fall and of course how rude of them to make you read such a poem? who wants to put their sex stories to display?

  7. post breasts! after reading about breast i stopped reading due to visual distractions. or send me a pic and i'll post em. true story.

  8. All of this, just to NOT read the poem? Come on! Post it! Either that or breasts. You mentioned both, and posted none. We the people want SOMETHING. What will it be? (Jessica Simpson's don't count. She's a fat braindead has-been)

  9. @D4... I pleased I got a morning chuckle out of you! And yes, I was laughing as I was writing it.

    @Interwebs fails... Are you talking about JS or me??

    @DGC... OMG.. that is very amusing! Tha
    t is the kind of thing I would have doone to my friends at 14 years old. I would love to see what you looked like that day!

    @Barfly... I will find it!

    @Waffles... I don't suppose they actually meant to be cruel to me, it's just down to me and my sister and younger cousin, making things worse than they should be.

    @BB... It wasn't their sex story. It was a poem. But I have a very vivid imagination sometimes. Not particularly mature of me I know.

    @Bart & ABFTS... Are you requesting that I post pictures of my breasts? REALLY?! You the people are SOOOO demanding! What do I get in return? Hmmm????

  10. I too love breasts....
    I would also like to hear the reading about the breasts....
    And I laughed at you.....(hanging my head in shame) Im sorry for laughing.

  11. Where's that poem! Where's that poem! We want that poem! We want something! (Give me another drink!)

  12. P.S. Are you an iPhone fetishist?

  13. Please johnny go faster? - Made me chuckle!

  14. 'I'm not good with weddings unless I am a drunken guest with no responsibility at all.' This applies to me as well, but with any social gathering. And so does 'I often look at the breasts that don't belong to me'.

  15. sounds like it could have been worse... or maybe not

  16. What about James, the guy you wrote about before? I want to hear more about him... :)

    And wow...looks you have quite a following now..

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  18. Just stopping by to say 'Cheers!' Have one on me and may 2012 be a better year. At least that, right? Oh and we all miss your posts!

  19. Oi, why haven't you written anything for ages? I'm gutted.

  20. I have done. Way more recentlyer than you. So ner ner ner ner ner. Ave it.

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