Saturday, 29 October 2011

Newcastle upon Tyne

It's a dangerous place. It lulls you into a false sense of security. It's beauty and friendliness trick you into thinking it's all going to be ok. But, then, it pulls you in and doesn't let you go, with outrageous temptations.

£3.90 for TWO DOUBLE shots of vodka! £5 for TWO trebles.

Are you fucking kidding me!

I am NOT a very well little bunny today.

More to come...

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Offensive Messages

When I received this MMS on Friday, it had me a touch concerned. No, really, I did have a little panic.
For about, ermmm... 2 minutes.

Then, it made me laugh. A LOT.

Do I agree with what the school did? Do I agree with what the teacher did? Do I think it's ridiculous?
Should I comment?
Maybe not. It might be printed out and hung on the school fence by tomorrow...

If they ever read what I have written, I may bit in a tiny bit of trouble. But if you are stupid enough to write these things on facebook, with your profile picture and name next to your 'status' what do you expect?

I'm not entirely sure who 'they' actually are. Are people employed to find inappropriate things on the internet that have been written by teachers? I have a feeling that this would not be too difficult.

I will leave you to guess what my thoughts are on all this bollocks and an inappropriate gym teacher.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Did I tell you about the time...

I am just on my way home from meeting up with my cousin and sister.
I have just heard, from my cousin, just about the funniest line ever.

We were strolling around central London, catching up, chatting about everything and anything. Then, this...

"Did I tell you about the time I accidentally sang karaoke in a Malaysian brothel?"

Are you fucking kidding me?! Did you actually just say that?
There are so many things wrong with that sentence.

1. How does one ACCIDENTALLY sing karaoke? Either you make the decision to hold a mic and sing into it, whilst reading words from a screen, or you don't. There is no accident about this at all.

2. Karaoke? Really? What the fuck? Why? Just why? No one can sing karaoke and be good at it.

3. A Malaysian brothel??!! How the fuck did that happen? How could a group of white young women in their 20's end up in a brothel, accidentally? Surely to god you would notice? Surely the scantily clad whores fucking men would give it away, no? Obviously not!

I love my cousin dearly, but if you thought I was the ditsy one in the family, the you need to think again. I take all credit on passing on all my ditsiness (I know that's not a bloody word!)and she has clearly followed all my rules on how to attract men.

I am proud of my little padawan!

That is all.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Email fun

I read a book a while ago called 'e' by Matt Beaumont. It was basically made up of emails that were sent in an adverstising agency. It was very funny. I think probably the funniest book I have read.
Anyway, I came across the book again today and it made me think about emails that go back and forth between my colleagues and I. So, I thought I would share some with you.

There happened to be an 'incident' at work the other day. (Surprise, surprise.) The student in question had to write a statement about the incident.

Hahahaha... Like Elvis??!! A 12 year old child actually used this analogy! That's fucking brilliant. What's even more amusing is this was added after he had written the statement, just in case we were wondering what 'gel in his hair' looked like. And now, suddenly, it all becomes so much clearer.

And because I am a professional, just like all my colleagues, and take incidents like this very seriously, this email was sent.

So, if you can't see this it says...

I will be speaking to O, although I just cant help believing he wouldn’t be involved in such nonsense. I will tell him that we have suspicious minds about his activities that day, and that although he may live in the ghetto, we expect better. I know S is all shook up over this incident and that if O is involved then he needs to tell us – its now or never, basically. I will also tell him that I do not want him fraternising with students in lower years, and he needs to indulge in a little less conversation with yr ? boys.

I should also tell you about this one particular teacher I have the fortune of not really working with at all. She is in a completely different faculty and year group. I rarely come across her which is a good job. Mainly for her rather than me. It is very difficult for me not to want to punch her in the face every time I see her, or hear her. I know you're probably thinking, that's not very nice, but trust me, there are MANY others that share my thoughts.

It is often difficult to keep a straight face when she gives an announcment to staff or students. This isn't helped by my colleagues also ripping the piss out of her.

Does this amount to work place bullying? Ermmm... maybe... but when you look like this... what do you expect?

This honestly couldn't be a better look-a-like.

She likes to think she can sing..... SHE CANNOT! I have heard her. It's shocking. But yet, she is in charge of the 'singing group' to which students, who also cannot sing, belong. (She does not teach music.) They even do concerts and shit like that. I sometimes attend to show support to the school, students etc... and to have a good old laugh.

She emailed out a notice about some kind of rehearsals for this singing group.

The responses were fucking hilarious. They were mainly just images. Most people understood. She was obviously not copied into any of the emails.  

Here are some of the images that were flying around via email...

Now, please don't judge us for being so mean, but these kind of emails really do brighten up everyones day. Everyone likes to laugh. Right? We really are very nice. Well, I am anyway.

We do a bit of teaching every now and then too. Look...

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Blonde V's Brunette

Kate Hudson

Natalie Portman
Today (in about 30 minutes) I am saying goodbye. Goodbye to my blonde hair.
I don't know if this is the right decision, however, they say a change is as good as a rest, so, here's hoping that I am feeling rested in a couple of hours.

I am apprehensive yet excited. I have been blonde for 10 years now and it's time for a change. It isn't my natural colour, I am a brunette.

I am wondering if women's hair colour really does affect how others perceive them. Men, other women, employers, potential partners, friends...

Do blondes really have more fun?

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Nightmare Day

Today has been an odd day. I have laughed, cried and wanted to punch the people that run the school right in the face.

I am a bit of a control freak in my lab. Don't get out of your seat unless you...
Now you can clean that
 shit up!

Just get the fuck up and stop
messing about
 1. Put your hand up and ask. (Even then it is unlikely.)

2. Have been asked to move because you're doing my fucking head in.

3. Are having some kind of seizure and can't keep yourself upright (and so falling off your stool onto the floor).

4. You have begun to urinate or vomit on the desk or floor (and not a moment before).
So when 'idiot male A' gets out of his seat because 'idiot male B' made a comment he didn't appreciate, I wasn't best pleased.

I was even less pleased when A started to punch B in the arm... as a joke... ha bloody ha!
Not so fucking funny when B started to hit back and I had to get in the middle of them.

All under control, I thought.

A goes and sits back down.
B starts on a rampage around my lab. Picks up a metal stand and base, wielding it above his head and goes for A.

"Check me out, I'm decapitated
and spurting blood, yet still
able to stand up and hold
my head in my hand"
Not really considering all possible outcomes here, I decide to step in to prevent serious injury occurring in my lab. Mainly because I am not very good with blood.
Any sign of blood and I'm outta there. Seriously, veins and arteries and shit like that freak me out. I'm the one that has to be monitored while having blood tests because there is a distinct possibility that I will end up on the floor with a needle still in my arm and blood spurting everywhere... ERGGGHHHH...
I'm starting to feel slightly nauseous and faint just typing this.

B is removed by another member of staff after my 'spurting blood panic' intervention.

Incident over.... Oh no... why would you think that? These are mentally unstable teenage boys!

I keep A back at the end of class to make sure he is alright, before going to the relevant members of staff to sort this mess out.

Couldn't find a picture of a teenage
boy wielding a metal pole... this is as
close to that as I could get.
Little did I know that B is waiting in the corridor with another fucking metal pole...
I think it might have been a chair leg this time. I am confused as to how he managed this. What did he do? Go into a class and ask if they minded him borrowing the metal leg from the chair they were sitting on...??!
It kinda got a bit more serious this time (not that the first time B armed himself with a weapon wasn't serious). I haven't seen a student that angry, ever. I had to physically restrain B. To the point that any onlooker may well have thought I was sexually harrassing the poor boy.
This went on for a good 5 minutes, which doesn't sound like very long, but when you have your arms wrapped round a 15 year old ANGRY teenager, it seems like forever.

Yes, yes, yes... let all the jokes flow... I can already hear your minds whirring with innuendo after innuendo... WHATEVER. (To be fair, I would do the same.)

I used every single ounce of strength in me to stop him from getting to A.

I am not very big person, height wise or weight wise so I was having to chant things like "by jungle law, the ghost who walks calls forth the power of ten tigers" and "by the power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWER" to help a little with the task in hand. (I always knew that by watching Defenders of the Earth and He-Man would come in handy one day.)

Didn't really think through the likelihood of me being knocked out cold with that metal chair leg. The thought did flicker through my mind momentarily, but not long enough for me to stop with the restraining.

Eventually a sixth former took the chair leg out of B's hand and I did ease up on the restraining.

Then the help arrived in the shape of a couple of male members of senior staff. Lovely chaps, thanks for that, a touch too late though.

Mmmm... VODKA
It was only after I had... well, lets call it 'a moment' shall we, to take stock and reflect, that I started to become a little pissed off. Because, you know what, it really isn't my job to do shit like that. My job is to teach science and direct the learning of my year group.

And, remember that half drunk bottle of vodka? Yes? Now there is a little less in it than yesterday.

So, after a very shakey start to the day, I am ending it with a  few many glasses of Rose wine. I don't give a fuck if it's only Thursday tomorrow.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

My very first interview...

So... the mentally unstable Plumber from Brooklyn interviewed me. It was as surreal experience. One that I kinda liked. A lot. It was my first interview, ever, so I am a little anxious.
I have no idea what goes on in that mind of his, but I am pretty sure if I did, I would be in a corner rocking and crying silently.
I just hope I do his blog justice as it is one of my favourites. If I don't and it becomes one of those epic failures, I will take it on board and learn from my mistakes. I will then go and sit in that corner and start rocking and crying silently.

Here's a little taster. Now, if you want to read the rest you need to visit Mr P here.

-Tell us more about you
Really? You probably don't want to hear more about me.... that's just you being polite. I'm not that interesting I promise you.

-What's the weirdest thing that happened in your career?
They allowed me to become a teacher. Then they allowed me to be in responsible for 10 adults and 160 13/14 year old children as well as teach science to teenagers. 
Do these people even realise what they have done?!

-What would you do if a kid that you thought was really ugly, turned out to be a horse in disguise?
All kids are ugly!

PS. Be careful of the racoons over there.