Wednesday, 31 August 2011

On yer bike!

I have to tell you about my newest obsession. I do tend to get quite obsessed with things quite quickly. In fact, I worry myself sometimes. Anyway, I have a new bike. I did have some serious reservations about this crazy idea of getting a bike (see here), but my reservations have turned into this new obsession.

I haven't fallen off once. I haven't had any close encounters with cars, trucks or buses. I have been out 7 times and cycled about 60 miles, which I feel, for a novice, on a brand spanking new bike with little idea of the rules of the road, and absolutely no idea what a puncture is, let alone how to repair one, is BLOODY GOOD!

I am proud of myself. I am using my car less and getting exercise. But, this is where it now starts to turn into an obsession.... I have a few friends and family that are seriously into cycling, running and triathlons. They are all very supportive and encouraging. They are so encouraging, that they are telling me I can do some triathlons with them. And now I am thinking I can too! I need to wind my neck in a little I think!

Don't get me wrong, I run, on average about 20km a week, I'm pretty confident with swimming, although the thought of swimming in a lake is freaking me out slightly. (If I can't see the bottom, I'm outta there!) And I am loving cycling. But a triathlon? Really? Me thinks I should attempt to cycle to work once before I get carried away with competitions, but I just can't help it. If I start learning something new, I want to be good at it straight away. I have no patience at all. I'm not competitive with others, only myself. It's a curse I tell you! A curse!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

A successful Bank Holiday weekend

I beat Sir Trevor McDonald at bowling this weekend! Haha! He is a legend!
I did NOT however, beat Harry Poter... not Harry Potter as one might think, but Harry Poter... not sure who he is, or the other chick in the game come to that, but I enjoyed being the smelly homeless Chinese man. About time he had a little boast to his self confidence. Now all he needs is a bath.

Following my historic win over Sir Trev, leads me on to another historic win but the most ridiculous game of football I have ever witnessed in the Premier League! Arsenal managing to lose by 6 goals is pretty impressive stuff. I mention this only briefly as the likelihood of being laughed at or stoned is relatively high.

The second thing I was successful at this weekend (apart from my bowling triumph), was shopping. Shopping for shoes & clothes!! Uh huh, that's right.... but not any kind of shoe & clothes shopping, oh no, the SECRET kind. The one that the other half does not know about and that goes on the credit card. I have not finished my shopping spree either.... I will continue this week. And I KNOW I am not alone with this secret shopping. I have lots of female friends and family members that do this on a regular basis.

Women are brilliant at secret shopping. Which is helped somewhat by men not being on the ball with what clothes and shoes you wear on a regular basis. If by any chance they may question whether that pair of shoes is new, or that they have never seen that dress before.... the answer is always, I bought it AGES ago, its old, just haven't worn it yet. It always works. You just place (not hide, as that could be perceived as being deceptive) the items you bought at the back of the wardrobe for a few days at least, then, bingo, they are no longer new.

How else do we keep ourselves looking as good as we do, hmmm?

And to complete this fairly successful long bank holiday weekend, a rainbow....

Now, if I can find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I will not need a credit card to pay for my shoes. It's either that or Leprechaun's. Unfortunately, I don't think the Leprechaun will pay for my shoes, although, could be highly amusing if I brought him home with me.

Oh, and just before I go.... having read about Jason Statham, and being slightly aroused by such life-like cartoons of him, thanks to the guys at a beer for the shower, I hope to go to sleep with images of him swirling around my mind and hope that I wake up dry humping my pillow thinking it is indeed the man himself....

Night night ;-)

Thursday, 25 August 2011

My drive to Heathrow Airport

Typically, in the middle of August, in England, we have torrential rain, lightning & thunder and it's a whole 14 degrees Celsius! I don't know why I am so surprised by this. But, Mother Nature (the bitch) lulled me into a false sense of security early this morning with bright blue skies and sunshine! She put me in a good mood to the point that I was looking forward to the drive to Heathrow Airport to pick up P.

I haven't seen P for over a month and I have missed my favouritest person in the whole wide world so so much. I had to make sure I got there on time so left in plenty of time, like the very well organised person that I am. (Haha, I'm always late these days.... I blame my age, and being an artificial blonde.)

Within seconds, literally seconds, of getting onto the motorway, Mother Nature thought, I know, lets piss her right off and send an entire months worth of rain down in just one hour, followed by a bit of lightning to scare the living crap out of her and shove in a bit of thunder for a laugh.

Well, it must of been highly fucking amusing!

For the first 10 seconds or so, I did wonder why it was so so very dark, but soon realised that my sunglasses were no longer needed. (Yes, yes, I know. Don't even go there!)

Then, it got to the point that my windscreen wipers wouldn't actually go fast enough to clear the windscreen so I could see properly. Trying to pass trucks doing 59mph was all guess work to be honest.

How do I know they were doing 59 mph? Because the little sticker on the back of the trucks said 'I cannot do more than 59 mph'. This was the last thing I could see as I passed them. Couldn't see the road or the cars in front of me, but I could see this little red sticker.

So, I'm now driving pretty much blind on one of Britains busiest motorways and the lightning starts.
Christ Almighty, I nearly wet myself! I was however ready for the thunder that followed. I hate storms unless I am tucked up all safe in my house.

And of course, once the weather is this bad, crazy stuff starts to happen!


That was the first sign that flashed up. I slowed down as the thought of actually driving into this obstruction worried me slightly. Maybe it was an animal, tyre, cargo from a truck.... No, It was a bloody car! These people had literally abandoned their car in the middle of a motorway slip road! It was orange, so I would have done the same.

My journey just got worse from then on in. I was stationery for quite some time. I was being told to only go at 40 mph (chance would be a fine thing) and was being given a QUEUE CAUTION.

What does that even mean? QUEUE CAUTION? I was being very cautious of the queue, because I was sitting in the fucking thing, not moving. I couldn't be more cautious of the bloody queue!

Then I started to worry when this happened....

What is this little red light doing coming on? Huh?! It usually comes on when the handbrake is on. I know you are thinking, woman driver, not taken the handbrake off properly. My hand brake was not on! Believe me! This little red light continued to be on all the way to Heathrow. I chose to ignore it with the hope it would just go away. It didn't. I think it may be important as it has an exclamation mark in the middle of it and it's red, which signifies danger, I'm sure.

You'll be glad to know that I made it to Heathrow, and back again, with my passenger, in one piece.

And guess what? It's stopped raining and it's now sunny! Cheers for that!

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Hyperbole is an interesting word, isn't it?

I learnt a new word yesterday... Well, I say new, I have heard it before, but never ever used it in any conversation. And, to be honest, wasn't completely sure what it actually meant.

I think I may have learnt it once in my GCSE English lessons at school, but I can't really remember. Probably because, as most of my school reports said I was 'far too chatty, needed to focus on my work rather than flicking ink at the back of teachers'. Oh, and I was told not to run away and hide when I knew I was going to be spoken to. Yes, I really did do that! Even at age 15 I crawled along a crowded corridor on all fours, inbetween all my fellow students legs, at top speed, and hid between the lockers at the other end of the school to avoid the Deputy Head. Which is strange as my last post was about trying to get into lockers! Ha!

I know that all those literary geniuses would be astounded at my ignorance of the English language being a teacher and all, but if I don't know what a word means, I don't, so I find out.

So, when this word was used in a conversation I was having, I asked what it meant. 'Hyperbole'. That was the word. The reply was something along the lines of..."I don't suppose you would do, being a science teacher."

Is this a regular word in ones vocabulary? Hyperbole? Really? In normal conversation? Or other similarly scary words? If it is then I have a lot to learn! I'm pretty sure I would say something like... 'are they exaggerating to make a point?' as opposed to 'was that a hyperbole?' But, thats why other people are infinitely more wise than me! (And maybe they have more wisdom teeth than me.)

I do realise that day by day, little by little, the person I was having this conversation with, is gradually giving up all hope on me and my relationship with the English language. To the point that he uses the words 'innit' and 'woteva' to keep me engaged in the conversation. Which again, I think he finds relatively hard work at the best of times! I'm much better at talking to people in person than on the phone, believe me!

However, I am going to learn a new word every day...  I am!

Todays word is....... ? Hmmmmm..... let me think.

Hyperbole is a figure of speech which is an exaggeration. Persons often use expressions such as "I nearly died laughing," "I was hopping mad," and "I tried a thousand times." Such statements are not literally true, but people make them to sound impressive or to emphasize something, such as a feeling, effort, or reaction.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Don't put up signs that make no sense, they confuse people!

I went to the gym today and for the first time ever, I read the notice inside the wooden lockers. This is what it said.

Now, I may well lack common sense SOMETIMES, be a little ditsy EVERY NOW AND THEN, have the ODD blonde moment (although maybe I should be calling them senile moments now), but this notice made VERY little sense to me....

Firstly, I find it amusing and slightly ironic that a security notice is placed INSIDE the door of a locker, where, you would only read it IF you were locking away your valuables.

Secondly, what is the point?! What is the point, of having lockers if I am not able to put valuables in them? What are they expecting me to put in them instead? Myself?
Now, that could be an interesting gym workout!

Hmmm... look at this lovely wooden locker Sandra.
It's so spacious. I can't put my valuables in it, but I think I might fit.
What do you think?

Jane, I don't think you should try it. Your ass is far too big.
Get in that gym and stop eating.
Try again in a couple of weeks.

A bunch of complete idiots must work in my gym...

I now have this very strong urge to see if I can actually get in the locker... maybe I should try tomorrow. Hmmm...

Monday, 22 August 2011

World News at it's best!

So whilst Libya's regime falls apart, Syria's death toll rises, Mr Strauss-Khan disputes the credibility of a hotel maid and ENGLAND (yes, England) become the BEST cricket team IN THE WORLD (Oh yeah), I reckon the best piece of World News (apart from England being the best cricket team in the world) is that New Zealand are making Star Wars coins.

How cool is that!!!

One day, some bloke in charge of money and stuff in New Zealand (and let's face it, I'm sure it would not have been a woman), just woke up and thought, 'I know, lets make Stars Wars money....'  and then all the other executive type people all thought, 'brilliant, lets do it!'

If only life was this simple ALL the time! Maybe Star Wars money will help solve all the economy problems across the world.

I'm pretty sure Greece and Italy would love it.

Imagine if the coins had magical powers.... oooohhhh....

'You don't need to see his identification... these aren't the scumbag rioters you're looking for... he can go about his business... move along', would have gone down brilliantly with the police a few weeks ago in Tottenham and Croydon.

Red Hot Chili Peppers are AWESOME!

I love this track!
There is probably more chance of me winning the Euro Millions than there is of me winning free tickets to the Chili Peppers gig in Camden in 10 days, but I must have a little faith...

Thank you!


Had my first ever comments yesterday and today!
I am shocked that anyone has read what I have written. To be fair, it's a load of crap.

But, thank you very much 'Jason', 'Chintan' and 'A Beer for the Shower'.

I got all excited, and it's been a while since that's happened!

I'm off to watch Meerkat Manor now. Apparently, a conflict develops between 3 groups of meerkats, Flower (dominant female) has a new litter and Mozart is expelled from the family once again.

Banging times people!

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Hard times at Harrods eh?!

WTF.... Mohamed Al Fayed on Big Brother!!

He must be hitting hard times up in old Harrods eh?!

What a JOKE! like its 3000BC!

Even handing out his business cards...

Oh my dear God!

Have you worked with vibrating tools?

Much to my amusement and those around me, I spotted this in a newspaper whilst sitting having a quiet drink in a local pub. Now, I know that my reaction was probably closer to that of the teenagers I teach, but I just couldn't contain myself! It did get me thinking though.... about vibrating 'tools'.

Most women these days have, ermm, well, lets carry on referring to it as a vibrating 'tool' shall we. And to be honest, if they don't, then they have NO idea what they are missing out on. Clearly no substitute for the real thing, or is it? Hmmm....

Anyway, the ad made me wonder what was available 30 years ago to women, or even before then. So, I did a bit of historical research!

Apparently, some of the very early toys were made from camel dung (OMG!!) and coated in a hard resin.

In the 1800's physicians treated women for "hysteria" to which the cure was to massage the clitoris! They used to dispense a phallus shaped object to these women.  
I wonder how many men now think that it would have been a pretty amazing job to have.   

1990 was the year of silicone, before then, leather, rubber, wax, pottery, wood.  WOOD!!!
Oh good Lord, the splinters!!

First cordless vibrator was developed in 1968.
I wonder if after 30 years of using 'vibrating tools' you would indeed suffer from pins & needles, numbness and coldness.
Not to mention white patches on the hands and arms.
That's surely got to be lack of blood flow?!

I reckon 'No win, no fee'.

What an interesting half hour I've had... Must do this more often!

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Lucien Laviscount...

...where did you come from?!! Wow! Bit young, but, wow!

I have nothing more to say on that matter!

Check him out!

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Things can only get better...

I got told about this a few months ago, but forgot how funny it was!
I showed some clips from the REAL programme in one of my year 11 classes. Went down really well, but as expected, several of them (including me) wanted to punch Brian Cox in the face after about 30 seconds on account of his god damn annoying voice...

This is a brilliant piss take though.

Bring back D:Ream!!


I was chatting to James today. He's a pretty hard to work out. They say women are difficult to figure out and talk in riddles. Yes meaning no. No meaning yes. But men are just as confusing. He makes me laugh though and I can be pretty amusing too, even though he would probably argue this point with a comment along the lines of 'if you say so'

Sarcastic too. And if I was more sensitive to his banter and jibes I would probably find it quite rude, but I don't. I find it amusing. Not sure what he would say to me writing this about him, but eventually every one of my family and friends will be analysed in some way or another.

You can never get a straight answer out of him. Even the most simple of questions wouldn't be answered properly...
'Where do you live?'
'In a house'
'How old are you?'

He isn't 13. But you get the general idea I imagine.

Anyway, I think he's quite a shy person really, but gives the impression of being cocky and confident. He can't take compliments thats for sure.

So that's James. He is a cutie really, and no doubt will hate me for saying that.

Sunday, 14 August 2011

Deepest Desires Documentary

I watched this episode of a series called Human Instinct.

Born to Survive - Human Instinct

It's all very interesting and that, but what it basically boils down to is...

1. women are going to cheat when they're ovulating with men that look like... ermmmm... chimps and gorillas.
2. men want to fuck women with big boobs and hips.
3. women like well toned, triangle shaped men as they will be far better at producing ideal offpsring
4. men want to fuck as much as possible.
5. women prefer baby faced men when not ovulating (but are less likely to cheat then, so Justin Bieber is pretty safe).

So, all in all...

Women are pretty fussy about who they fuck, but will cheat on you between day 10 and 15 of their menstrual cycle with Monkeyboy.

Men just want to fuck!

Like we didn't already know this....

No work tomorrow...

It's nice waking up on a Sunday knowing that I do not have to go to work tomorrow. But do you know what's crazy? I'm now worrying about that last Sunday night before I go back to work in 3 weeks time. This only happens when I am half way through a school break.

On that very last Sunday before the first Monday back, I can never sleep properly. I lay awake most of the night. It is not just kids that have these awful anxious nights of worry and panic about going back to school you know! Teachers do too!

Only 10 days till P is back. Not sure if I said, but P went on holiday. I did too but just before I got back, P went away. NOT GOOD! I am missing P a lot. It is very hard to have the motivation to go to the gym by yourself. And my days for the last week have been a little empty. Haha! Sounds a bit mad doesn't it. I do have plenty to do and plenty of people I really need to catch up with, including my family, but I just can't be bothered at the moment.

Cleaned the shower yesterday.... Wow! Fun times huh?! It really did need to be done though. Kept putting off.

Oh, I read this book on holiday. One Day by David Nicholls. It is really good. A really true reflection of lifes rollercoaster. And a fair amount I can relate to aswell.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Amazing! Stick-on electronic tattoos!

Stick-on Electronic Tattoos

A few amusing exam answers

Sample answers from the end of year exams. Thankfully these were few and far between otherwise I would have been somewhat concerned! Kept me amused though.


Friday, 12 August 2011

Quick update

I have now experienced cycling on the road, several times.... and I am still alive!!! It's bloody hard work though. I need to practise a lot before I am able to cope with cycling to work, thats for sure!

Love the feeling of being out in the fresh air and exercising. Clears the mind and improves my mood.