Saturday, 24 September 2011

Let's take a look through the square window....

I had a look around my office yesterday. It is already a mess after only 3 weeks. I have many items lurking in the depths of paper work that do not belong to me.

I have that power that all teachers LOVE!! The power to CONFISCATE! Of course, if one was to do this outside of the school environment it would amount to extortion.

'Give me your hoodie young man or I will exclude you' in a school corridor

amounts to...

'give me your money biAtch or I'm gonna bang you up' on the High Street on a Friday night.

Clearly the latter is a little more threatening and violent than the first and could end up with jail time, but the intention of aquiring an item that does not belong to you by using threats, is the same.... isn't it? Hmmm...?

Anyway, let me show you a few items that I seem to have AQUIRED over the last year.

1. Pink Fake UGG boots.... in less than perfect condition. They are MINGING!!! (Not sure that is actually a word). Such trash!

2. BB GUNS... three of... confiscated from three male students of different ages. I often wish I could whip one of these out, point it at the biggest idiot in the class and then tell them to write.

3. Half a bottle of vodka. And YES, the other half had been consumed by one particular young lady. NOT ME! Although there has been many a day when I have been sorely tempted to have a swig. In fact, I think I may well have done..... once. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh...

4. A baseball cap. Clearly not part of school uniform, but a really cool cap. I love Batman. I might keep this if it weren't for the fact it had been on some scummy kids head, who has probably had head lice.

5. Several hooded tops. I have no idea who they belong to. I confiscate from random students all over the school, indiscriminately. THEY SMELL!

6. A piece of wood, used for poking others... I think in jail they call this a shank. Which is probably where this kid is going to end up anyway, so he's obviously getting in the practise before such a time. I am considering turning it into a boat and putting it inside that bottle of vodka when I've finished it.

7. A laser. I HATE these. Don't shine it in my eye while I'm trying to teach you, you idiot! That's gonna REALLY fuck me off!

8. A ring. This is just awful. Who wears a piece of crap like this?! Huh?!

9. A half inflated (or half deflated... optimistic or pessimistic?) yellow football. I LOVE confiscating footballs from kids.... I like the complete control I then have over at least 40 kids who want it back! I think this may stem from my love of controlling other spherical objects belonging to men (not boys, men). The power just goes to my head.

10. A broken mobile phone. Haven't got a clue who this belongs to. I may send this off to one of those companies that give you money for old phones. I reckon I could get £2 for it.

11. A bottle of Rose wine. This was not confiscated. This was a gift from a student. Awwww... how lovely. I keep it in my office in case of..... ermmm.... emergencies?

So, anyway, if these items aren't claimed by Christmas, my family and friends will be recieving them as gifts.
I would be quite chuffed if I got a half drunk bottle of vodka.
Even if it was only £5. Would be better it was full, but beggers can't be chosers. And perhaps vanilla or raspberry in flavour.
You know what? I wouldn't be chuffed with a £5 half drunk bottle of vodka at all.....

I would be pretty happy with a laser though.


  1. You seem pretty harsh. It's ok to confiscate booze, guns and shanks, but why would you take their hoody, football or boots? The girl went home bare footed? hahahah
    I'm pretty sure some member of your family are ecstatic when christmas comes... -oh boy a wooden shank! Thank you Santa! -You are welcome kids, now go shank you mommy. -Yaaaaaay.

  2. Ive confiscated my share of cell phones and caught plenty of kids with booze in gatoraide/water bottles. but in american schools the bb guns would get them sent to juvy so fast your head would spin

  3. You do sound harsh, give the football back lol

  4. @Plumber... No hoodies, no boots, no caps... it's THE RULES and I think by now you must realise that I ALWAYS follow rules... (God, if only that were true, then I wouldn't get into so much trouble and I would have fewer speeding tickets.)

    @Aamedor... They were kicked out of school for having BB guns. Probably in Young Offenders by now anyway.

    @Anonymous... I'm not harsh, just like to be in control. And I would happily give the football back, I just can't remember who it belongs too.

  5. lol, cannot be truth. +1 follower :D

  6. Judging by the booze, the guns, and the shanks, do you work at one of those schools that has bars on all the windows? And you're escorted everywhere by a security guard with a shotgun?

  7. What kind of teacher takes booze from a kid? It's bad enough you won't give them the ball but not even the booze!? Cut the kids some slack!

  8. @Orang3... This is the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Thanks for visiting.

    @ABFTS... I often wonder if teaching in a young offenders institute would be easier.

    @danjor21... I need the booze more than the kids! They can have the football, but not the booze! Thanks for visiting & following.