Sunday, 11 September 2011

Back to the madness

The first day back at school after the six week summer break is SOUL DESTROYING.
The first week back is tiring, stressful and frantic.

Yes, yes, we teachers are all so lucky to have so many holidays, we're all part-timers, blah blah blah... whatever you like to tell yourself, or us.  The truth is, that apart from the six weeks we have off in summer, there is rarely a break or an evening in which we don't sit at home marking, or go into school and do the things we haven't managed to complete when the kids are in.

Schools are amazing places with no children. You get SO much work done.

The first day was an INSET day (or training day) so the kids weren't actually in.
It consisted of a welcome speech from the Head Teacher to all staff in the hall. It was a welcome to the brand spanking new, all singing, all dancing, Academy. They had laid on breakfast in celebration of this new start. Bacon rolls, croissants, bucks fizz. All very suspicious.

During the Head's speech we were informed of the following...

1. There was a lovely new canteen. Oh, no, hang on, we're not allowed to refer to it as the canteen now, it is now 'The Restaurant'.
WTF! If it was a restaurant, where the fuck is my menu and my napkin? Where is my waiter? And most important... WHERE IS MY WINE?!!

Oh look.... there's my waiter, ooooh, and my wine! Mmmm...

2. We have an OUTSIDE GYM. What?! An outside gym? The inside gym (if one can call it that) is barely used. What made you think that an outside gym would be a good idea?
It cost £30,000! THAT IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS! I have never heard of such a waste of money. What makes it really difficult to comprehend, is the fact that it is LIME GREEN.
Why? Because it blends in with the lime green fucking surroundings? I don't bloody think so.
They could have spent that £30,000 on... well, just about anything other than that.
I give it six weeks before it is tagged, vandalised or stolen. (No Sir, thats not a lime green piece of outdoor gym equipment I have down my trousers, I'm just pleased to see you...)

£30,000...  on eight of these monstrosities.
Might as well have urinated the cash up the wall!

3. The dress code. For staff.
This we kinda knew about at the end of last term. I had to go shopping for a whole new work wardrobe. I don't know how they think we're going to get the year 11 boys to do any work if we can't wear low cut tops and skirts above the knee. What were they thinking? Their grades are going to fall this year. Mark my words. (Or my books if you could. It would really help. I would pay you!)

I guess this is no longer an option for me anymore...

There is always one thing that helps settle us back into the new term though, and that's CAKE!
Give them their due, the Senior Leadership Team now how to use bribery to get things done.

And I thought I was the first to get to the cake!
Clearly not.

I did discover that a terrible tragedy had occurred over the holiday. I walked into my lab only to find this...

This poor little lion has lost his home, 3 legs and his head. I was beside myself with grief.

The remains of a science project from last term. It's a good job the delightful young lady that made this has left and gone back to the USA. I am not sure how I would have explained this to her. As it happens, it's now in the bin. Oh, well. C'est la Vie.

To end this first week back, we had more staff training. We had a 45 minute INSET on Health & Safety. I think the powers that be, are actually trying to kill us through utter boredom. Seriously, last thing on a Friday after the first week back?! BIG MISTAKE.

Health & safety BINGO??! Purrrrleeease...

If we had paid more attention to what was being said rather than scribbling offensive
words everywhere,  I might have won that box of malteasers.

And then it all just fell to peices as soon as this powerpoint slide went up....

I doubt I need to explain this, but let's just say most
 staff found this to be greatly amusing.

And I forgot to mention. I had a lovely note left on my desk by a student in my year 11 class on Friday.

Say it out loud and it all makes sense. I found it most informative. It's always nice to know that teenagers these days have such high standards.

Here's to a second week of fun at THE ACADEMY. May it be as inspiring and stimulating as the first.


  1. Ok, i might not know much, but 30k for an outside gym for kids seems like a waste of money.
    I'm not sure also if i approve that kind of waiters or the dress code change (if the photo resembles what you used to wear before)
    BTW, happy teachers day (at least here in Argentina, Sept 11th is teacher's day)

  2. Teachers Day? Really! Well, thanks for the good wishes Mr Plumber. Now, where are all my gifts?! ;-)

  3. 30,000£ :(are they crazy :(
    sigh...they could have arranged an all teachers 24x7 drinks party...

  4. 30k on an outside gym!!!! crazy i think... have a nice week ahead :)

  5. Do women actually find that waiter and what he's wearing sexy? Seriously? Because I'm in amazing shape, and if I walked in to the bedroom wearing a Chippendale's style bow tie, an apron, and was holding a dinky little wine flute, my wife would probably have a heart attack from laughing so hard.

  6. I actually think that waiter is hot...

    Fickle Cattle

  7. This was so entertaining! I guess you're right. Teachers don't get much time off. I also think you had some valid points. Print this out and take it to the next staff meeting!

  8. what are these machines? I wouldn't even be sure what to do with it? And food always works on teachers, my mum is a teacher....I know :D You always feel like you people don't get enough food?!

  9. Yeah it is terrible.
    Come check me out =)

  10. Poor you. You're obviously teaching in the wrong place. Where I teach, teachers are supposed to look like the waiter in that picture and the lovely young lady who undoubtedly makes things (like grades) go up. And we do have a genuine restaurant, posh and classy at the same time. And nothing is lime green, except for my own underwear of course, and the whole place is like heaven. And when I wake up I actually manage to fool myself for another ten seconds. And the 30 grand should be donated to hard-working teachers - you know, like yourself. Just saying...

  11. @kingmush... going back is just awful!
    @Tony... I will be celebrating on May 15th then!
    @Chintan... 30k on drinks for us teachers would be outrageous, in a good way!!
    @Muhammad... might week got worse, so much worse!
    @ABFTS... You say you're in amazing shape huh? Don't you realise the power of the apron? You'll have to try it!
    @Ficklecattle... Thanks, that waiter IS hot, but only with a glass of alcohol in his hand.
    @Kelley... I will take your advice and take this up at the next meeting. It will go down a treat!
    @Poke the rock... food and alcohol ALWAYS works on teachers. We would do anything for chocolate too.
    @Jessica... It couldn't possibly be more terrible!
    @RCB... I'm impressed that you can tell I am hard-working and should be paid an extra 30k. I think so too. I'm even more impressed that you have lime green underwear!

  12. Where are youuu? We need more debauchery at school stories hahaha

  13. Debauchery at school? I just don't know WHAT you're talking about?!