Tuesday, 20 September 2011

What teachers REALLY want to say to their students

I taught the MOST annoying student today. AND, the most SMELLY student. They were not the same person. If it had been just one student suffering from extreme body odour and being very annoying I could have dealt with it by sending them out of the room. BUT, I found it challenging to come up with a reason to justify sending the smelly kid out. There wasn't one. So I had to endure the delightful stench of this child for an hour.... ERGGHHHH....
I, of course, went straight to my colleagues, after the lesson, to moan about basic hygiene in teenagers. We got talking about what we really wanted to be able to say to the students we teach, but clearly COULDN'T and WOULDN'T (if we still wanted to be in a job afterwards).
WE came up with these...

3. How fucking stupid are you?

1. Can you please just shut the fuck up!
2. You stink, have a shower and wear deodrant.

5. You'll never make it any further
than the dole queue.

4. Did you steal those new trainer's or pay for them?



6. Use a condom, she's been round the block a few times.

7. I am not your mother. If I was,
 I would have shot you and myself by now.

8. What is the fucking point of you even
coming to school? I wouldn't bother.
9. I didn't mark your books because
 I was drinking all weekend.
10. You're right, I don't like you,
never have, never will. Suck it up!
11. Your dad is hot,
is he free tonight?
12. I really want to punch
you in the face right now.

13. Have you got a spare cigarette?

I, of course, am a true professional and would never dream of saying any of these to my students. EVERY CHILD MATTERS (*cough) and we are here to make sure each child is healthy, stays safe, enjoys & achieves, makes a positive contribution and achieves economic well-being.... blah blah blah...

Not completely sure what the pictures add to this post, but I like them. Particularly the hot father.

And as I am still at work at the moment, waiting for Primary Parents Open Evening to start (45 mins), I should really go and tidy up my lab instead of writing this. I am hoping of course that the fairies may have already cleaned and tidied.

I am not looking forward to making small talk with a load of parents.


  1. I had classmates that I wanted to say some of these things to.

    Though I've never had the misfortune of dealing with a smelly one. :P

  2. I was about to type a decent comment but it all went out the window when I saw that picture of a girl with pink hair. I like pink hair!

  3. Ep. I felt like saying many of these today.

  4. This is one of those things that i always pondered.

    How in the freaking world, teachers avoid saying stuff like that? Perhaps not in elementary school, but as kids get older, the urge to say things like that, gets bigger too hahahah

  5. Haha! I totally know what you mean with some of these. Especially the hygiene stuff! I work with kids, too. The older the kids are that I work with, the harder time I have not saying all the things I shouldn't say!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! I love visitors. Your blog is so fun!

    ~ Angela

  6. I officially could not be a teacher, and this post only reinforces that, because I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut, and these look like phrases that I would say and get fired for.

  7. I hope you had a chance to hit up Happy Hour before the Parent event. If not, I'm hoping that the old hip-flask-in-the-handbag trick helps you deal with the "adult" versions of your brilliant children.

  8. I would love to read a post about all the stereotypes associated with teachers/proffesors of different subjects. For example, in my country, music teachers are weirdos, gym teachers are lesbians and so on. You get the idea.

  9. @DWei... the smelly ones are the worst!
    @Lord Phrozen... Pink hair IS cute. I want to know what you were going to say before you were put off.
    @JayJay... I'm glad I'm not the only one!
    @Angela... thanks for stopping by here too. It is hard not to say some of these, particularly when you're being told to fuck off by a 12 year old!
    @Paulsifer... I have a pretty hard time keeping my mouth shut too. I don't know how I do it in school to be honest. Thanks for visiting.
    @ABFTS... Happy hour? No need for happy hour. I have a bottle of wine and a half drunk bottle of vodka in my office!! Every hour is happy hour in my office!
    @ Mr P... the urge to inflict damage or be outrageous rude to students also extends to their useless fucking parents. And, I will most certainly write a post on stereotypes associated with teachers! I am laughing already thinking about it.

  10. If I was a teacher I'd pay a homeless man to go around the school saying these things to the kids!

  11. @Bersercules... send the homeless people my way!!
    To be honest, some of the parents that rock up to school could be mistaken for homeless people.

  12. I once let a damn slip out when arguing with a girl who wanted to "goto the bathroom" when I knew gull well she wanted to meet her boyfriend for some hallway necking. she went to the principal and I got called in and reprimanded then afterward the principal (who was female)called her a dumb cunt after she was gone and said not to worry about it

  13. I can imagine you're not looking forward to a bunch of parents. Isn't it shocking how much children look like their parents, and I mean the way they act? You know the child, so you can predict how much fun your next PTA is gonna be...

  14. 'I didn't mark your books because I was drinking all weekend.' - hahahah, I'd actually prefer teachers to admit something like this than saying 'I have a lot of tests to correct' or whatever.
    All those situations are pretty true - just reading them I can think of at least one person. Does the fact that I actually said things like these to my classmates make me sucky? Anyway, I never really cared for my relationship with most of them so it doesn't matter; hygiene is far more important.. maybe some of them will realize one day.
    By the way, you seem to be an awesome teacher, wish I had one like you. Definitely looking forward to reading more on your blog =D

  15. @Aamedor... That story is bloody hilarious! I am not so sure the Head at my school would use that term... shame.

    @RCB... I hate meeting parents, but as part of my responsibility, I normally spend more time on the phone and in meetings with parents and social services than I do actually teaching. Grrrr...

    @escapist... I'm pretty honest with the students, less so with my line manager. Hygiene really is so important. How can I help a kid if I can't get near to them without gagging?! And thanks for visiting & following. I do like to think I am an awesome teacher (my year 11 classes think so anyway).